This post is different from what I’m used to in that it’ll be more of a personal reflection than a commentary, but I expect to create more posts like it in the future, especially they start to become easier to write. And unlike some of past write-ups, this one’s arising from more of a wish to jot some ideas down, to actualize a sudden stream of thought, than it is to record some premeditated, deliberated opinion. I’ll note now for when I inevitably revisit this: I’m writing this relatively spontaneously–by which I mean, I’m wandering along with a pace of 5 sentences per hour rather than 3–so don’t be too surprised if my words are a little cluttered, or if my points are entirely pointless. And yeah, I write slow–hopefully you’re faster, future me–but that’s a topic I think I’ll spare for a future post; for now, I’m taking advantage of Daft Punk’s Digital Love on the Panera’s aux and getting everything on the page while I still can.
I was opening the blog editor to work on a different post, which is on its way, when I found myself considering how other people would perceive even the smallest details regarding the post– from the time gap between the previous post and the amount of topics covered, down to individual word selection. These were nonsensical and trivial considerations, of course, as I literally built this thing as a means for freewriting. But it made me realize that for quite some time now, I had been weighing these considerations, often subconsciously, as a part of more and more of my choices; that more and more often I had found myself asking, even before slight decisions or those entirely delegated to personal preference, what others would think and respond, what options would potentially leave the best impressions. It was becoming automatic, occurring regardless of the significance of the decision at hand, and it really should not be that way.
With this I’m not, of course, suggesting to entirely ignore potential outside consequences–that’s sociopathy. But there’s also an extent to which they should reasonably have sway, because at the end of the day I should be determining myself. Take music, for example–it’s something I love dearly and have written lots about already. The music I listen to is fundamentally a part of my own identity, should fundamentally be decided by my own preferences, and yet I’ve had to ask myself the question: do I listen to what I listen to because I feel I want to, or do I do so because I want to be to say I do–because it’s esoteric, or because it’s well-liked, or because the folks I know do? Of course it should be the former; but as ridiculous as the latter is, it keeps lingering there. And now, more than ever before, I’m acutely aware of it when I queue the next song. What am I truly doing from the heart, and what am I doing for my image?
I would like to think that I’m still following the former when it matters–at least, what I believe to be the former, for the line between the two notions blurs upon considering the possibility that part of the reason I want to is in fact because of the effect it’ll have on others–but let’s not get lost too deeply within that sauce for now. In any case, I’m writing this post because I recognize now that merely the recurring suggestions of the latter, of these inapplicable social considerations, is becoming disruptive. They’re at best a nuisance, but at worst manipulative; and realistically they should not be taking up any real estate. I can’t remember anymore how long they have been there, but it’s time I quieten them down.
Well, what’s the source? I think it’s initially easy to point fingers at college applications, which, whether I realized it or not, had planted a constant voice on my shoulder for the past four years. It probably wasn’t a great influence, the idea that most of my major time-allocating choices would be weighed on a scale on some arbitrary future date. But I’m now thinking that, at least for me, there probably was a greater cause in the form of social media. The influx of opinions and ideas, the ease of responding, the immediate feedback–it seems all too easy to overthinking random other people. So let’s try this as a first–let me get off my trash apps, and onto more writing.
I am returning to this post after a night’s rest and still afflicted with the idea that it’s perhaps not the most fitting subject for a publicly available website. See, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. Hitting publish anyway.
